Sincerely, Stupid

DEAR ADVICE COLUMNIST: I have middle child syndrome. You know, when you are the middle child and your parents seem to spoil and love your older and younger siblings but not you? I’m a 16-year-old girl with this issue.

I have an older brother and younger sister. My parents love and spoil them but not me. Please don’t tell me it’s my age or because I’m a girl, because this has been going on ever since I can remember. — MIDDLE CHILD IN ASTORIA

Dear Middle: Things will get better soon. You will get a locket in the mail from a secret admirer. You will find out it’s from your live-in maid who was also a middle child. She now dates the town butcher. Life sucks for her. Then you will steal a classmate’s bike, realize you need glasses, buy a black wig and date a fake kid named George Glass. Then you will get canceled.

DEAR ADVICE COLUMNIST: My wife and I disagree about how to handle a problem with our 6-year-old daughter, “Dana,” who has not been practicing her piano lessons as diligently as we would like. After her last lesson, I told my wife that I didn’t think she did very well.

My wife thinks we should deny Dana her bedtime snack. I disagree. I feel that practicing the piano is a responsibility, and Dana should not be punished. Failure to be responsible has its own consequences. What do you think? — AT ODDS IN AUSTIN

Dear Odds- I think Dana will be a stripper before her 17th birthday. Her stage name will be Ebony or Ivory. Her talent will be piano.

DEAR ADVICE COLUMNIST: When I take a break at work I like to read, but I am often interrupted by co-workers. Even though they see me reading, they insist on starting a conversation. I don’t mean to be rude, but it is relaxing for me to “escape” for a few minutes, and I feel robbed when I can’t enjoy my latest book.

It is too far to go to my car, and we are not supposed to leave the area anyway.

What can I do or say without being considered unkind? — BOOKWORM IN BALTIMORE

Dear Bookworm- Isn’t there like a quiet room at the strip club? Oh, try the VIP area. Might have to move occasionally.

DEAR ADVICE COLUMNIST: I am a budding photographer and have recently framed and hung a montage of some scenic photos I took on my bathroom wall. My husband says that photographs do not belong in the bathroom. What is your opinion? — PHOTOS IN PHOENIX

Dear Ego- Your husband’s opinion is incredibly important in this instance. The bathroom becomes a sacred place at a certain point in a man’s life. It’s the only time he can find peace, quiet and get some business done. Yes, that kind of business. Fingerdoodling. It’s hard to imagine the women in his work in naughty positions when he is staring at Polaroid shots of parking lots and weeds. Also, you’re a terrible photog. Hang your work above the bed. He never thinks about sex when he is in there.

Dear Advice Columnist: There are an awful lot of women exposing themselves on the Internet in graphic sexual fashion. My wife says that men degrade themselves by looking at them. My question is, which is more degrading? Looking at them or women exposing themselves? — WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: My question to you is; How many times did you get caught looking at these naughty pictures you old dog you? I bet you get caught all the time. Lock the door or at least wait till her sixth glass of wine kicks in and she passes out watching House Hunters.

I am going to tell you a story about a friend of mine. She was a beautiful girl, but like many beautiful girls, she had less than zero self-confidence. She once claimed that all her ex-boyfriends did away with their nudie obsession while they were dating. I asked her if it was lonely on Planet Oblivious and did she have all of her ex’s phone numbers so I could call and have a good laugh with them at her expense.

Your wife is self-conscious. She thinks you want her to be one of those girls. Of course, you could want her to be one of those girls! Look how young they are! Just hope she dies first and the internet isn’t in her name.

Dear Advice Columnist: At what age do you discontinue using the term “Master” before a young boy’s name when addressing an envelope? I have searched books without success. I hope you can help. — CONFUSED IN PORT CHARLOTTE, FLA.

DEAR MS. D: Did I drive to work in a DeLorean? What the hell year is this? Master? A letter? What the funk is a book? Save the stamp and the $3 check you’re mailing for the kid’s birthday.

It’s because of people like you there is still mail delivery and I can’t rent a good Rascal when I go to the mall.

Dear Advice Columnist: I am a single woman in my 60s. I live alone. One of my greatest fears is developing dementia. Because there is no one living with me, there would be no one around to notice changes in my behavior.

If I ever need assisted living, how would I recognize the fact so I could make other arrangements before requiring someone else to make them for me? — GROWING OLDER

Dear Growing- This happened to my Uncle Archibald. He lived alone and kept swearing to us he was getting magical powers. He told us every time he peed in the middle of the night the light in the bathroom would automatically turn on. Figured out he was pissing in the fridge. So I guess the answer to your question is: when the vegetables get really soggy it’s time to check in.

DEAR ADVICE COLUMNIST: It has happened again! Every year I make my list of New Year’s resolutions, and within two weeks I have broken my vow. My downfall is binging on sweets, so this year I resolved to swear off chocolate.

Last night I was feeling tired and depressed, and I “found” a large chocolate bar with almonds I had stashed at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards and ate the whole thing. I’m disgusted with myself.

Every year you print your list of New Year’s resolutions. But now many people actually stick to them, and if so, now do they do it? Have you any tips? — CHOCOHOLIC IN NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR CHOC- Found? Here is a tip; How about not hiding chocolate bars around the house you fat bastard. Thank God you don’t have a thing for Asian strippers. Oh there is Mai Ling!

Dear Advice Columnist: I consider my best friend, “Randall,” to be my platonic soul mate — like a brother, only closer. Randall is gay. I am a straight female. We have no romantic interest, but a deep and meaningful love nonetheless.

We have talked about raising children together, but in order to adopt in some states there is a requirement that the parents be married. Our state isn’t one. Would it be considered duping friends and family to have a “real” wedding? — PLATONIC SOUL MATE IN MICHIGAN

Dear Platonic- It’s like a silly sitcom! Oh, oh, can I write the theme song??

She was homely, couldn’t get a man
He had plenty, but couldn’t take their hand
They planned a “real” wedding, because they wanted to adopt
They got a little boy, she’s in love with his birth father, and the gay guy dates a cop!!!

TWO LIES AND THE LITTLE GUY! Wednesdays after Old Adventures of New Christine and Gary Unmarried!

Dear Advice Columnist: I am getting married in a week. It’s a first marriage for both of us, and I love “Evan” with all my heart. I’d do anything and everything for him — but I’m scared.

A few days ago, Evan said he wanted to move back the date of the wedding. It killed me. I thought maybe he didn’t want to marry me, or he doesn’t love me. He saw how badly I took the news and told me later that night that the wedding could go on as scheduled.

How do I know if Evan wants to marry me? What if he is doing it just so I won’t be sad? I don’t want him to marry me if he’s not ready. Please help. — WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE

Dear Worried- Oh, Evan got the worn underwear I sent him. Excellent.